SHELTON: Damn that Michael Barnett. He’s posted our home address on Twitter. Again. I’m calling the police.
BOMB SQUAD: Hello, Bomb Squad. How can we help?
SHELTON: Oh shit. Wrong speed-dial.
BOMB SQUAD: Is that you Shelton? We have an AVO on you. Don’t call us again!
EMERGENCY 000: Police, Ambulance, Fire. How may we direct your call?
SHELTON: I need the police.
EMERGENCY 000: What city or town are you calling from?
SHELTON: Capital Hill. It’s where I live. You should know, it’s the backdrop on all my social media feeds!
EMERGENCY 000: Connecting… Police…
POLICE: What is the nature of the emergency?
SHELTON: They’re destroying my marriage. Those homosexuals are tearing down the social fabric of my marriage and making my sexuality a laughing-stock.
POLICE: Is this an emergency? You’re rambling incoherently about your marriage.
SHELTON: Yes, yes, it’s a damn emergency. They’ve put my family at risk of Muslim glitter-bombers.
POLICE: What exactly is the emergency?
SHELTON: My home address is on the Internet. It’s on Twitter. It’s been blogged. I’m trending, and not in a good way.
POLICE: Someone has posted your private home address on the Internet?
SHELTON: Yes, that’s correct. My home address is on the Internet.
POLICE: And how exactly did they get your home address? Are you listed on the Electoral Roll? In the phone book? On a public toilet wall? Did someone steal Cory Bernardi’s Little Black Book?
SHELTON: No, they accessed the ASIC register and put that online. It’s outrageous!!!!
POLICE: Your home address was listed on the ASIC register?
SHELTON: Yes, that’s correct. I made a fuss about my home address being in an extract they posted to their blog and then they posted the section with my address on Twitter.
POLICE: You do know that the ASIC register is open to the public?
SHELTON: Yes, of course, it’s a public register. It says so on their website.
POLICE: And you’re calling in an emergency because you’re concerned people will find out where you live because your home address is listed on a public register?
SHELTON: Yes, I am.
POLICE: Sir, you have the wrong number. Connecting you to Ambulance.