PERSPECTIVE
Being childless wasn’t my choice, but people assume it was
ABC Everyday / By Michael Barnett, as told to Kellie Scott
Growing up, Michael Barnett didn’t expect to have children.
“I’d never thought about the possibility of being in a relationship with a woman, or a man either, as I was born in 1969 and people didn’t talk about same-sex couples,” the 54-year-old from Naarm/Melbourne says.
“So my world view was parenting wasn’t likely to be an option.”
After coming out at 26, his perspective began to shift. And while Michael never felt a “burning desire” to be a dad, he was open to it.
But that openness was shut down, time and time again, as Michael shares with us as part of our series of people who are childless not by choice.
These are his words.
In hindsight, it could have happened
After coming out I found myself in my first relationship which lasted over seven years.
It was a wonderful relationship in many ways, but also complex, and for that reason parenting would never have worked.
A lesbian couple I’m still friends with now had asked me to be a sperm donor, which I considered.
But it didn’t go anywhere as they said they wanted to take the child overseas, and I didn’t want to be part of a situation where I wasn’t actively involved.
They ended up becoming parents and living locally, so in hindsight it could have happened.
I left the relationship I was in and entered into a new one, but that was not conducive to parenting either.
So having kids had come up in my thoughts, but it wasn’t something I could take that seriously.
Unexpected news
The reason why I’m not a parent is multi-fold.
In the year 2000 I participated in research studying male contraceptive. As part of that I had to provide a sperm sample, and I was told my fertility wasn’t great.
That was like taking a sledgehammer to me.
I never really thought my fertility was important to me, yet felt completely emasculated when I was told that.
It was quite a shock, and it took me some time to come to terms with.
Another time I approached an IVF clinic to be a sperm donor, but they told me similarly: my sperm quality was low.
Another closed door
In 2008 I met my current partner, who I am happily married to.
But at the time of meeting, he had two teenage kids and when we talked about the possibility of starting a family together, he said he didn’t want to go down that path again.
Due to certain circumstances around his parenting role, I completely respected that.
But at the same time, it closed another door for me.
And none of it by choice. There was no-one to blame, not even myself.
Every step of the way there has been a scenario where I couldn’t be a parent, and increasingly over the years, as I’ve seen my brother and close friends have children, I’ve found I would have liked that.
My childlessness is not validated
I’m not sad, I’m not angry. In some ways I’m not even disappointed.
I just feel left out.
At times I’ve wondered if I would have had a different relationship with my parents if I’d brought grandchildren into their lives, much in the way my brother did.
What I feel most in all of this is I go through life without anyone acknowledging I didn’t get to be a parent.
Maybe they don’t think gay men want to become parents. Many do.
There is no validation.
I’ve come to terms with not having children, but haven’t come to terms with people not acknowledging that.
Family and Relationships, Parenting, Fertility and Infertility