Lyle Shelton calls the police

SHELTON: Damn that Michael Barnett.  He’s posted our home address on Twitter.  Again.  I’m calling the police.

(calls police)

BOMB SQUAD: Hello, Bomb Squad.  How can we help?

SHELTON: Oh shit.  Wrong speed-dial.

BOMB SQUAD: Is that you Shelton?  We have an AVO on you.  Don’t call us again!

(calls police)

EMERGENCY 000: Police, Ambulance, Fire.  How may we direct your call?

SHELTON: I need the police.

EMERGENCY 000: What city or town are you calling from?

SHELTON: Capital Hill.  It’s where I live.  You should know, it’s the backdrop on all my social media feeds!

EMERGENCY 000: Connecting… Police…

POLICE: What is the nature of the emergency?

SHELTON: They’re destroying my marriage.  Those homosexuals are tearing down the social fabric of my marriage and making my sexuality a laughing-stock.

POLICE: Is this an emergency?  You’re rambling incoherently about your marriage.

SHELTON: Yes, yes, it’s a damn emergency.  They’ve put my family at risk of Muslim glitter-bombers.

POLICE: What exactly is the emergency?

SHELTON: My home address is on the Internet.  It’s on Twitter.  It’s been blogged.  I’m trending, and not in a good way.

POLICE: Someone has posted your private home address on the Internet?

SHELTON: Yes, that’s correct.  My home address is on the Internet.

POLICE: And how exactly did they get your home address?  Are you listed on the Electoral Roll?  In the phone book?  On a public toilet wall?  Did someone steal Cory Bernardi’s Little Black Book?

SHELTON: No, they accessed the ASIC register and put that online.  It’s outrageous!!!!

POLICE: Your home address was listed on the ASIC register?

SHELTON: Yes, that’s correct.  I made a fuss about my home address being in an extract they posted to their blog and then they posted the section with my address on Twitter.

POLICE: You do know that the ASIC register is open to the public?

SHELTON: Yes, of course, it’s a public register.  It says so on their website.

POLICE: And you’re calling in an emergency because you’re concerned people will find out where you live because your home address is listed on a public register?

SHELTON: Yes, I am.

POLICE: Sir, you have the wrong number.  Connecting you to Ambulance.